After reading this I feel dirty; and no, not the kinky/fun kind of dirty, but the kind inspired by annoyance and severe eye rolling.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
the Importance of Annonymity, PART II
After reading this I feel dirty; and no, not the kinky/fun kind of dirty, but the kind inspired by annoyance and severe eye rolling.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The Importance of Being Annonymous
There's not enough honesty in this world.
My boss once brilliantly said, "If truth were deodorant, most people would stink." She's onto something there.
People feel so much pressure to be good, passive human beings; but how many of us can be passive? I'm no Alpha, but I'm no Beta, either - surely, I cannot be alone in feeling that way.
What's funny, though, is how people regard you before they know who you are. It's like that girl at work who I would sometimes see walking around the building. Without fail, she would always eye me up and down, smirk judgmentally and, if we had to communicate for some reason, speak condescendingly to me. That changed the day she realized what team I work with and what role I happen to have within it. Her initial behavior was the truth. She didn't like my forever-unkempt hair, or maybe it was the lack of make-up on my face or my eclectic style. She judged me on that, and, while initially I found it amusing when she suddenly avoided eye contact and her tone changed to a polite whisper, after a while, I kind of preferred the judge-y behavior. At least it was honest - someone who takes a lot of time to look impeccable maybe wouldn't have much respect for someone who would rather spend her morning running than sprucing up. She had no problem being aggressive before she found out my name, when I was still anonymous to her. It gave me a chance to raise an eyebrow at her superficiality.
My name, ha! Like anywhere outside this company it means anything. I am neither famous nor actually important. The label I work for is exceptional, and through this job I shine, but what is Pedigree without a little pretension? Perhaps we all let it get to our heads a bit and maybe that's dangerous.
If I ever did create something worthy of being judged by others, I don't think I'd put my name on it anymore. There was a time I would have, but that ship sailed as I learned how people change their tone when they know they're speaking to you regarding your work. I even want the gender of the pseudonym to be androgynous and left to interpretation. I want the harshest criticism spoken plainly and in an impassioned manner.
I want that regarding anything I'd create.
My boss once brilliantly said, "If truth were deodorant, most people would stink." She's onto something there.
People feel so much pressure to be good, passive human beings; but how many of us can be passive? I'm no Alpha, but I'm no Beta, either - surely, I cannot be alone in feeling that way.
What's funny, though, is how people regard you before they know who you are. It's like that girl at work who I would sometimes see walking around the building. Without fail, she would always eye me up and down, smirk judgmentally and, if we had to communicate for some reason, speak condescendingly to me. That changed the day she realized what team I work with and what role I happen to have within it. Her initial behavior was the truth. She didn't like my forever-unkempt hair, or maybe it was the lack of make-up on my face or my eclectic style. She judged me on that, and, while initially I found it amusing when she suddenly avoided eye contact and her tone changed to a polite whisper, after a while, I kind of preferred the judge-y behavior. At least it was honest - someone who takes a lot of time to look impeccable maybe wouldn't have much respect for someone who would rather spend her morning running than sprucing up. She had no problem being aggressive before she found out my name, when I was still anonymous to her. It gave me a chance to raise an eyebrow at her superficiality.
My name, ha! Like anywhere outside this company it means anything. I am neither famous nor actually important. The label I work for is exceptional, and through this job I shine, but what is Pedigree without a little pretension? Perhaps we all let it get to our heads a bit and maybe that's dangerous.
If I ever did create something worthy of being judged by others, I don't think I'd put my name on it anymore. There was a time I would have, but that ship sailed as I learned how people change their tone when they know they're speaking to you regarding your work. I even want the gender of the pseudonym to be androgynous and left to interpretation. I want the harshest criticism spoken plainly and in an impassioned manner.
I want that regarding anything I'd create.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Better Left Forgotten?
I had a dream about a dress. I fell in love with it there, in the Land of My Subconscious. I awoke and, though it was 3AM, I took a lesson from instances before when I dealt with dream designs and immediately began sketching what I'd "seen." I do not keep a sketch pad and croquis on my nightstand, which means I had to leave bed, walk across my apartment, find my rarely used sketch book, and draw what had floated into my brain before it returned to the unknown forever.
When I finished drawing, I took a really good look at the dress and decided I didn't care for it after all. By then, I was wide awake and couldn't sleep.
New lesson: maybe it's OK to dream about something you could create and forget it the next day. The possible creation itself may not be what's important about the dream, or else there would be no problem remembering it, which means it would have floated to the subconscious from any bit of random inspiration. If the creation itself is forgotten, then the important part may be the emotion it sparked within you in the first place. That part remains in the memory banks, even if the idea that sparked it has gone off into the abyss of forgotten ideas. The motivation it stirs within is actually the purpose of the dream. It exists to light a fire for creation, not to give out free ideas. This gives the chance to consciously connect the final outcome from the inspiration - it allows for the creation to stem from a place of deep & critical thinking. And, well, isn't that better, anyway?
Perhaps it is just better to remain asleep.
When I finished drawing, I took a really good look at the dress and decided I didn't care for it after all. By then, I was wide awake and couldn't sleep.
New lesson: maybe it's OK to dream about something you could create and forget it the next day. The possible creation itself may not be what's important about the dream, or else there would be no problem remembering it, which means it would have floated to the subconscious from any bit of random inspiration. If the creation itself is forgotten, then the important part may be the emotion it sparked within you in the first place. That part remains in the memory banks, even if the idea that sparked it has gone off into the abyss of forgotten ideas. The motivation it stirs within is actually the purpose of the dream. It exists to light a fire for creation, not to give out free ideas. This gives the chance to consciously connect the final outcome from the inspiration - it allows for the creation to stem from a place of deep & critical thinking. And, well, isn't that better, anyway?
Perhaps it is just better to remain asleep.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Oh, hey there.
I passed along the web address of this blog to someone I love and respect today.
Last time that happened - the last time I shared the blog I'd been writing - things didn't end so well.
.
.
.
.
Let's hope it doesn't bite me in the butt.
Today's Meditation: Cope in Your Own Way
My morning's headache is passing, I must exercise. After Tim returns with an iced hazelnut liquid perfection, I'll be headed to the gym for an hour of laps.
One of my favorite parts about swimming is the meditation that naturally occurs when the body has been pushed to the physical point where endorphins are released but also while the exercise is far from over. The brain starts looking for something else to concentrate on to make it all bearable. These are the moments I use for prayer, mediation, self reflection, or to clear my mind of anything blocking the formation of creativity. It's like shuffling a deck of tarot cards - I go in asking a question or concentrating on a problem and I push myself until I have an answer.
Today, I'm going in with a thought from Piers Morgan, spoken while complaining about the brutality he has experienced from people who didn't understand him or the way his brain worked.
"One thing you, who had happy or secure childhoods should understand about those of us who didn't - we who control our feelings, who avoid conflict at all costs or seem to seek them, who you call compulsive, a workaholic are, above all, survivors. We are not that way from perversity. We cannot just relax and let it go. We have learned to cope in ways you never had to."
When I reach the point of endorphins-based creativity, I will think of his quote and use it to harness the way I feel about others from my past who didn't get me, who didn't understand why I wasn't or couldn't be like them. I will forgive them, which will be difficult because there's a heavy load of misdeeds, infringement, disobedience, trespassing, and offenses. I will not forget what happened (because you can't use what hurt you for empathetic moments unless you remember what it is that hurt you) but I will dissociate the experience with the person involved. Hardest of all, I will forgive myself for any role I played, whether I was aware of it or not, in the devastating times I faced.
One of my favorite parts about swimming is the meditation that naturally occurs when the body has been pushed to the physical point where endorphins are released but also while the exercise is far from over. The brain starts looking for something else to concentrate on to make it all bearable. These are the moments I use for prayer, mediation, self reflection, or to clear my mind of anything blocking the formation of creativity. It's like shuffling a deck of tarot cards - I go in asking a question or concentrating on a problem and I push myself until I have an answer.
Today, I'm going in with a thought from Piers Morgan, spoken while complaining about the brutality he has experienced from people who didn't understand him or the way his brain worked.
"One thing you, who had happy or secure childhoods should understand about those of us who didn't - we who control our feelings, who avoid conflict at all costs or seem to seek them, who you call compulsive, a workaholic are, above all, survivors. We are not that way from perversity. We cannot just relax and let it go. We have learned to cope in ways you never had to."
When I reach the point of endorphins-based creativity, I will think of his quote and use it to harness the way I feel about others from my past who didn't get me, who didn't understand why I wasn't or couldn't be like them. I will forgive them, which will be difficult because there's a heavy load of misdeeds, infringement, disobedience, trespassing, and offenses. I will not forget what happened (because you can't use what hurt you for empathetic moments unless you remember what it is that hurt you) but I will dissociate the experience with the person involved. Hardest of all, I will forgive myself for any role I played, whether I was aware of it or not, in the devastating times I faced.
I need to realize that I find comfort in ways the people who hurt me are unfamiliar with, that they hurt me because they didn't understand me. Maybe they thought they had to try to understand me but came up with the wrong conclusions. When I was working out my own issues and didn't have the answers yet, they saw dishonesty. When I tried to be creative in reaching out, they saw bravado. Or maybe they didn't. Maybe they just hate me. One can only guess.
When most people say, "forgive but don't forget," they're claiming they have the magical ability to forgive someone but still resent them. What the saying should mean is to forgive, but remember how it was to feel so low, to be grateful for those who stood by you and, in turn, be there for someone else who needs it.
You have to be able to look someone in the eye, smile at them from your heart, and sincerely wish them well before you can say you've forgiven them. You don't need them to be in your life, but if you can't bring yourself to do the former, you have not forgiven.
As for my laps, no matter how far I'll actually get with all that forgiveness (because that's quite a load for one hour... I think I'll be meditating on this, swim-wise, for a while) I think I'll spend the last few concentrating on what or, more importantly, whom I am most grateful for. Isn't that what life is all about, anyway? We can't create peace out of turmoil without the love of one place within us spilling over into another.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Brain Garden aka My brain is a cofeehouse of internal dialogue.
I
had a paranoid thought regarding a friend. It’s easy when you feel isolated
from people, whether the isolation is caused by physical or emotional
distance, to replay small things they said casually in conversations,
take them out of context, and dissect them. This cannot be healthy, though it does appear to be a common condition I find myself in.
Before I explain about the conversation with B, I should explain as to why I have a hard time remembering conversations verbatim, settling mostly for the gist of what went down. The thing is, I constantly have a few conversations going on in an ever-going
internal dialogue on top of whatever it is I’m talking about with those around
me. One conversation processes everything I’m seeing. But then, I ask
myself questions like, “Do I like the green hat because it brings out
the butterscotch highlights in that girl’s hair or is this a color that
is on the rise in popularity that I should probably incorporate into a
top or some sort of accent, like binding?”
While I’m studying the girl in the green hat, I’ll simultaneously be writing. I have had a list of characters filed
away in my head to reference when I get to actually writing. Nevermind that I
haven’t “actually written” anything in years. The list remains and
continues to grow. At that moment, I was adding a character with chronic
Asian hair envy to the list. This girl would notice something beautiful
about asian girls everywhere she went; inspired by an earlier thought
that only asian girls can bleach their hair and have butterscotch
highlights and not have hair accents the color and texture of hay. Mediterranean gene FAIL.Although, that would be a challenge to translate into sci-fi.
While all that
is going on, I’m also maneuvering how I can turn a conversation a
certain way so I can casually bring up something I’m absolutely dying to
talk about. It’s important to me to hear all about other people first before I dive into what feels like my MEmeMEme spiel. I don’t like to lose what’s important in life in the mix. There should be balance.
Oh,
and on top of all that, I can sit on a bench with B, enjoying a
hot, fruity tea beverage in the middle of a bustling Queens
neighborhood, talking about politics. I do not think I can be the only
person on Earth who consistently has multiple conversations articulating
in my head. Also, those are not the subjects my mind is limited to
while conversing; there are many, many issues on my mind at any given
time. There is no back burner. There’s a massive garden and every
person, place, or issue, big or seemingly small, has a flower pot
containing it and that my brain feels compelled to feed. Nothing ever
dies in my brain garden. As cluttered as that may seem, I’ve always
preferred a baroque-esque garden with layers upon overgrown layers.
However,
those were just merely a few issues on my mind, the eternal coffeehouse
in my head, me chattering away with myself and other versions of me,
and sometimes actual physical people in the real world, like B when
she called me a Republican even though I voted for Obama.
Why
would I dissect that? I’ve admitted to being Republican in the past.
Just lately, it feels like an insult; it no longer feels like part of
me, or even relative. It’s another version of me, tucked away in the
garden behind the thorny raspberry bush called Ex-Boyfriends. I forget
about those plants sometimes. Why should it bother me if others don’t?
Why is this bothering me four months later?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
How Best Buy Managed to Ruin My Easter and Easter Hasn't Happened Yet.
Let this be a cautionary tale, should the temptation to purchase an appliance from this awful, hateful place ever arise in your life. Best Buy has ruined my Easter holiday with their disorganization and their flat out lies.
Their free delivery actually costs you the price of your sanity and freedom. You will lose time out of work as they botch your order continuously. You will get a great deal on items they won't actually deliver on the day they claim. Don't worry, when they cancel your order for no reason, they'll let a really young girl leave a valley girl sounding message on your voice mail. "We, like, totally hope that we can sell you another washer dryer."
Let me start from the beginning.
This past Saturday, I bought a washer and dryer set from the Best Buy in Signal Hill, California. My fiancé and I left the store excited for our new lives free of laundromats to begin. The woman who had helped us, Kathy, had been honest sounding and very sweet. She seemed sincere in wanting us to have the best experience, working with the measurements of our space to get us the best machines for our fit. She even set up the appliances to be delivered on Tuesday so we could have them in just a couple days.
We were so excited. We went out and bought the drip pan she said we'd need right away. Tuesday came and I couldn't believe my luck that the delivery people were on time! That never happens.
One of the movers stayed behind with the truck while the other mover came to our apartment upstairs.
He didn't measure the space, but told me right away it wouldn't fit. I told him we'd cross checked our measurements. He said that because a vent was in a certain place, it would push the machines away from the wall an extra couple of inches. This wouldn't be a big deal, except the laundry alcove has a threshold where the floor dips down two inches deep. The mover told us we would need to raise the level of the floor in order for it to fit, but that it would be fine afterwards.
I alerted my fiancé about this and right away he had his father, who is a carpenter, make a platform out of very heavy, strong wood to raise the floor level. After I spoke to him, giving the needed dimensions for the area where the platform would need to sit, I went back to the Best Buy store where we bought the washer and dryer set and rescheduled a new time for them to be re-delivered. I couldn't spare more time away from work, so I settled on Saturday.
This meant that Tim and I wouldn't be able to go on the Easter family vacation we'd been looking forward to. Anxious to get this over with, I agreed and set up the delivery time for then. That night, Tim broke the news to his parents that we wouldn't be celebrating Easter with them, after all. That they would have to go without us. We surrendered our tickets to some family friends, to our own and our family's disappointment.
This is when Best Buy turned evil on us.
This morning, Tim received a call from a teenage sounding girl apologizing that our order was cancelled, that she really hoped Best Buy could put the money towards another washer and dryer set. He called me right away and asked me to check up on it. He said he was sure the girl had made a mistake, that he had information confused, that this couldn't have happened.
"What makes you say that?" I asked.
"She used the word 'like' about 8 times in a thirty second voice mail. No one who does that can know what they're doing."
Valid point, it seems.
I called the Best Buy Signal Hill location and, this time spoke to Mike who sounded like a sincere person, but might actually have turned out to be the exact opposite.
I told Mike the whole story. He said that he saw our note from the day before, that he would call the warehouse and see. Like Tim, he was doubtful the order could have been cancelled.
"That must have been received in error. We didn't cancel the order so there's no way it could have been."
Regardless, he'd said that he'd call the warehouse and see what the problem was. I didn't hear back for over an hour.
He apologized, told me the warehouse cancelled the order, which he stressed they weren't even supposed to be allowed to do. He said the note on the cancellation was that the washer and dryer units wouldn't fit at all in the space. I told him that was not what happened and he said that he knew.
"Unfortunately, once an order is cancelled, it's cancelled. There's nothing we can do about it but create a new order. I can get the units out to you on Tuesday..."
I explained that Tuesday was unacceptable. That I had done everything right and that this was their mistake. I politely let him know that the warehouse should do whatever they needed to do to fix this mistake, and that would be getting the units I already paid in cash for to my on Saturday.
He said he'd call me back. He did, and told me that they would be shipped to me *this* Saturday. Pleased, I thanked him for all his help. Little did I know, he'd flat out lied to me.
My fiancé just received an email saying that the washer and dryer units are not supposed to be delivered until Saturday April 6th.
I have never been so disgusted with a company. I will never give my business to Best Buy again. I won't buy anything there, not a Blue Ray, not a video game. They will never get one penny out of me ever again.
And certainly, reader, they do not deserve your business, either.
3/29/13 Update: We received an email confirming the delivery will be happening that Saturday, after all. Keeping in mind Best Buy's behavior up until this point, the review will remain up until the units are actually delivered.
3/30/13 Update: The delivery people showed up, made up a code and claimed we were breaking it. I have since researched this code and found that, for a fact, it does not exist. This means the delivery people just didn't want to do their jobs. I called the Best Buy in Signal Hill that we bought the appliances from and they sent over people who happened to be working at the time. These people showed up with a great attitude, despite the fact they were definitely doing something not in their job description. They were knowledgeable, hooked up the washer dryer set like pros, and stayed until they were sure everything was hooked up correctly. They were courteous and pragmatic in the installation process.
However disappointed I am in their choice of delivery company, I couldn't be more pleased with Best Buy's Signal Hill employees.
Their free delivery actually costs you the price of your sanity and freedom. You will lose time out of work as they botch your order continuously. You will get a great deal on items they won't actually deliver on the day they claim. Don't worry, when they cancel your order for no reason, they'll let a really young girl leave a valley girl sounding message on your voice mail. "We, like, totally hope that we can sell you another washer dryer."
Let me start from the beginning.
This past Saturday, I bought a washer and dryer set from the Best Buy in Signal Hill, California. My fiancé and I left the store excited for our new lives free of laundromats to begin. The woman who had helped us, Kathy, had been honest sounding and very sweet. She seemed sincere in wanting us to have the best experience, working with the measurements of our space to get us the best machines for our fit. She even set up the appliances to be delivered on Tuesday so we could have them in just a couple days.
We were so excited. We went out and bought the drip pan she said we'd need right away. Tuesday came and I couldn't believe my luck that the delivery people were on time! That never happens.
One of the movers stayed behind with the truck while the other mover came to our apartment upstairs.
He didn't measure the space, but told me right away it wouldn't fit. I told him we'd cross checked our measurements. He said that because a vent was in a certain place, it would push the machines away from the wall an extra couple of inches. This wouldn't be a big deal, except the laundry alcove has a threshold where the floor dips down two inches deep. The mover told us we would need to raise the level of the floor in order for it to fit, but that it would be fine afterwards.
I alerted my fiancé about this and right away he had his father, who is a carpenter, make a platform out of very heavy, strong wood to raise the floor level. After I spoke to him, giving the needed dimensions for the area where the platform would need to sit, I went back to the Best Buy store where we bought the washer and dryer set and rescheduled a new time for them to be re-delivered. I couldn't spare more time away from work, so I settled on Saturday.
This meant that Tim and I wouldn't be able to go on the Easter family vacation we'd been looking forward to. Anxious to get this over with, I agreed and set up the delivery time for then. That night, Tim broke the news to his parents that we wouldn't be celebrating Easter with them, after all. That they would have to go without us. We surrendered our tickets to some family friends, to our own and our family's disappointment.
This is when Best Buy turned evil on us.
This morning, Tim received a call from a teenage sounding girl apologizing that our order was cancelled, that she really hoped Best Buy could put the money towards another washer and dryer set. He called me right away and asked me to check up on it. He said he was sure the girl had made a mistake, that he had information confused, that this couldn't have happened.
"What makes you say that?" I asked.
"She used the word 'like' about 8 times in a thirty second voice mail. No one who does that can know what they're doing."
Valid point, it seems.
I called the Best Buy Signal Hill location and, this time spoke to Mike who sounded like a sincere person, but might actually have turned out to be the exact opposite.
I told Mike the whole story. He said that he saw our note from the day before, that he would call the warehouse and see. Like Tim, he was doubtful the order could have been cancelled.
"That must have been received in error. We didn't cancel the order so there's no way it could have been."
Regardless, he'd said that he'd call the warehouse and see what the problem was. I didn't hear back for over an hour.
He apologized, told me the warehouse cancelled the order, which he stressed they weren't even supposed to be allowed to do. He said the note on the cancellation was that the washer and dryer units wouldn't fit at all in the space. I told him that was not what happened and he said that he knew.
"Unfortunately, once an order is cancelled, it's cancelled. There's nothing we can do about it but create a new order. I can get the units out to you on Tuesday..."
I explained that Tuesday was unacceptable. That I had done everything right and that this was their mistake. I politely let him know that the warehouse should do whatever they needed to do to fix this mistake, and that would be getting the units I already paid in cash for to my on Saturday.
He said he'd call me back. He did, and told me that they would be shipped to me *this* Saturday. Pleased, I thanked him for all his help. Little did I know, he'd flat out lied to me.
My fiancé just received an email saying that the washer and dryer units are not supposed to be delivered until Saturday April 6th.
I have never been so disgusted with a company. I will never give my business to Best Buy again. I won't buy anything there, not a Blue Ray, not a video game. They will never get one penny out of me ever again.
And certainly, reader, they do not deserve your business, either.
3/29/13 Update: We received an email confirming the delivery will be happening that Saturday, after all. Keeping in mind Best Buy's behavior up until this point, the review will remain up until the units are actually delivered.
3/30/13 Update: The delivery people showed up, made up a code and claimed we were breaking it. I have since researched this code and found that, for a fact, it does not exist. This means the delivery people just didn't want to do their jobs. I called the Best Buy in Signal Hill that we bought the appliances from and they sent over people who happened to be working at the time. These people showed up with a great attitude, despite the fact they were definitely doing something not in their job description. They were knowledgeable, hooked up the washer dryer set like pros, and stayed until they were sure everything was hooked up correctly. They were courteous and pragmatic in the installation process.
However disappointed I am in their choice of delivery company, I couldn't be more pleased with Best Buy's Signal Hill employees.
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